Anything · Goes

I am so bored right now.  its kind of weird really. Being out of school isn't nearly as good as people might think it is. Without something to do I sit forever here in front of my computer. Usually waiting on someone to get on and to talk. Thats my days anyway. I don't see how those who make it their lives to be on all the time can do it. They have to sleep some time.

Though they are on two totally different shows Buffy & Dean seem to have one thing in common. Other than the whole demon hunting bit. They used to have a normal life and now they want it back. To some it may seem a bit selfish, to others it is an inspiration.

There never seems anything to do when you look for something to do. But once you stop there is always something to do. Like for instance if you look for a way of expressing yourself to someone else but you have a hard time with vocalizing your thoughts and ideas, other ways come to you and sometimes you dont even know it. I often find myself with nothing to do. Most of the time I sit and read or write or even watch tv.
My obvious choice in most cases is the hide away in my room and do much of nothing and sit there. As I sit there I wonder how it would be if things were different from the way they are. Its not that i don't like people its just that I don't always trust their or my own judgement when I am around them. The only time my judgement isn't impared is when I am with my best friend, Angela. To my she isn't just a friend. She is more of like a sister and our bond is quite strong. No matter what the kind of fight we have we always end up making up in the end. Thats just how it's always been with us.
We may have only met in sixth grade but it seems as though we've known each other for so much longer. I have 3 more days till I am going up to be with her. And in my final three days I have a list of things to do. Well now its more of 2 days 2 hours and 42 minutes to get my list of ten things to do down to nothing. I could do it but im just too dang bored with myself to do anything.
The last movie I saw was called The Gaurdian. It had Kevin Costner ( think robin hood and you'll know who I mean), and Ashton Kutcher in it. It was a good and very sad movie. Kevin's character ends up dying and his ex-wife cries and ashton's character was a great swimmer in high school but lost some friends that was on the swim team with him in a car crash that he himself was in. As I was leaving the theater with my mom I began to think about all those that I have lost. Those I cared for and those I hardly remember now except in old photos.

Some might say I am physcotic if they knew what all I do or see in my mind as opposed to what I do and say on the outside. I know if I were to reveal some of what I really think of some people that they'd  call me weird and have me locked away in some mental institution. 
Why? Because I have formed this opinion of my father, my grandmother in Maine and her new husband, George that I have to keep to myself. Otherwise it could spell disaster for me. But then again I really don't care too much for my father since to him I am pretty much Invisable anyway. It stirs and festers inside me that I can't tell anyone what I think or even feel when it comes to him.
Last time i did I made my youngest brother, Milo mad at me. I really wouldn't blame him if he didn't want anything to do with me when I go up this weekend. All I can say is oh well and watch everything in my life crumble just as it always has. No life is crumble proof. Things happen and I am only there to observe.
Its crazy but true. Some of my thoughts would send my family outside of just me and my mom into getting me therapy or even putting me in a small sterile white room. Damn I hate sterile white. I know have some clue of why that is. For about the first few years of my life I had seen nothing but the sterile white lab coats that all the doctors used to wear. In recent years my freak outs have caused the doctors that work with me to wear them a lot less when I am around and rather wear something with color. But not all things that are white bother me. It seems kind of odd if you think about it really.
If I have a melt down nobody would really notice. Nobody but my best friend, my sweetest lil sister Angie. I have helped her with things that she has gone through and at times I wish someone would do the same for me.

My life as it is...
I was born October 30, 1987 to Jeffrey Lee Jodrey and Leeann Samatha Schultz. I was their second child. When I was seven months or so I got sick with pneumonia. But unlike most people I don't remember who had taken me to the hospital. All I know is that for the past 18 years I have been thinner than most of my friends because of a pump that had been placed in my head to regulate the water flow to my brain. Some how the pump has quickened my metabolism and I have never been able to gain or lose weight like most girls. I could eat like a pig and stuff myself and never gain a pound. Then there are those times when i just dont feel like eating all the time. People like to see others when they are thing but dont think twice about those who are bigger in appearance. I have never been one to have many friends. But in sixth grade I made the best friend I could ever want, Angela Gallant. Since sixth grade we've been like sisters. And like all sisters we've have a few fights here and there. Its just what happens. We've always had a "Rollercoaster" type of relationship. What I mean by a rollercoaster relationship is that one minute we could be alright, then the next minute we could be fighting. At times we fight over really stupid things. But recently we haven't done that. Recently she and I have been on good terms. 
I have more in common with my mom than I have with my dad. He hardly knows me. I have changed a lot since I was a kid. I no longer need my mom to fight my battles for me and I no longer have to hide my feelings toward him and some of my family members on his side of the family. I have held my feelings for those such family members since Grandpa Jodrey died in the summer of 1995, seven years ago. Since that day I had held in my feelings and never let anyone know how I felt. I'd gone into a sort of depression. Of all my family my grandfather was my favorite to be with. I never got to tell him too often just how much I loved him and how much he mean to me.

My life the way I wish it could be...
At times I wish my life were a lot different. A lot less complicated and screwed up. If I could be in control of my family or my own destiny at least I'd be someone and somewhere else. At least there people wouldn't be so judgemental. I'd  be a writer, a novelist of sorts. I could write my books and my poetry and live peacefully. Now my trouble with being worried about how I looked versus how I felt would be a non-issue.  Then maybe my love life would exist instead of being non-existant as it is now.
One day I will be able to get everything that I have ever wished and dreamed for. Till that day comes along I will never stop wishing or dreaming. One day I will find the one thing that makes me happy and go for it. Till then I'll just keep striving for my goal and finish off my book, look for a publisher and pray that they'll like it enough to publish it and put it on store shelves so that others can enjoy it. 

My wish...
My wish is to become a famous author and find the guy I was meant to be with for the rest of my life.

There isnt just one day that is the most boring day in my life. It seems at though my entire life is a bit of a bore. At least while I was still in school I had a distraction from my boring life. Now that there is no school to distract me I see that my life is a bore. Not even writing seems to keep my attention much anymore. Books tend to get left unread or partially unread.

There are things about me that even my best friend may not know about. Things like my biggest fear besides death is being single the rest of my life. More peole than none around me has someone. Why can't I? I've never truely had a boyfriend. I once totally in a stupid moment "went" out with a younger guy. Hey I was young and had no clue what a relationship was supposed to be like. I finally got annoyed with his constant stupidity and broke up with him over the phone. After that for a while he kept calling back to ask why I broke up with him. I didnt want to lead him on for one. Plus he was my younger brother's friend and his age. Physically and mentally I guess I'm not as ready as I once thought I was. Therefore I stay in the sidelines and watch others in a relationship. I learn from my past mistakes and others so I know what to or not to do in a relationship. Therefore I am the only one of my friends to ever dish out advice and never actually take my own or even someone else's.
I am the one my friends turn to when they need a shoulder to lean on or even just someone to talk to. I'd rather let them talk and I listen so that I can fully grasp what they are saying and know what I should say. People that arent in my close nit ring of friends would never be able to see my talent for writing without my telling them. I'm not so sure when I first figured out what my secret talent for writing was. It's just easier for me to write something down rather than to try and verbalize it.

Last week I went on my trip with my mom to Hawaii. It was a graduation present. I wanted to go but I had no intention of going to the beach. Well we went and I got burnt in 3 places. My back and on the sides of my left and right feet. I truly despise the sun. I did however get some books I thought I'd never find unless I went somewhere else.

As of lately I have been having these strange dreams. Dreams too sickening and gruesome to tell the full content of. Dreams that if my Grandmother in Maine ever heard about I'd probably be sent to an insane asylum. Thats a fact. She already thinks I should see a therapist about my "depression". Those who know me, I mean truely know me know that I tend to say things just to see what other's will think. Apparently my grandmother thinks I am depressed. Really I'm not. Just going through the oddest phase I'll ever go through.

One dream in particular likes to plague my memory. This dream reminds me of a movie me and my best friend had gone and seen this past spring break when she was here. In the dream I had just seen Final Destination 3 with her, my best friend angela, and then all of a sudden things from the movie start happening all around us. For miles all you could see was the blood, death and distruction. Death Himself was coming after us. Those of us that were in the movie watching it. No matter how many there were death didn't care. It would try to strike us all down one by one. Some how ang and I had stumbled onto the plan of which of us that had seen the movie at that time. There had to have been at least 10 or so people on the list and some had already been struck down. We had to sae them as well as keep from being killed ourselves. I'd as I had done could see the fear in ang's eyes just as it appeared when we had been in the movie theather that spring break day and that day in my own dream.

Why had I been thinking that now? I'm not sure. the movie had been long since seen and yet the dream or night mare, which ever you prefer to call it.

I have just finished Anne Rice's Interview With The Vampire (IWTV). Now I will have to start on The Vampire Lestat. Most books you can't judge by their covers but both IWTV and TVL I have simply looked at the cover and thought this should be good. As I thought Interview with the Vampire was simply marvelous and at times I even forgot that I was listening to Louis tell his story to a human (mortal) boy.

Vampires have always been an interest of mine. Books have brought things to life that you could only view as if they were simply a dream. Then I enter my fantasy world and there they stand as if they were waiting for me. To take me up to my dark and mysterious castle where I can find my prince of the dark watching over a young girl playing with her small dolls with her back to him.

But that is just a fantasy world and nothing more. It could only come alive by being written down or dreamed up.

Sometimes even though i know it bothers my friend angie, I tend to type the word mew and thn hit enter. She hates it but I can't help it. At times I get annoyed because I am being ignored. It bothers me.

Other things that bother me( they are in no particular order):
My younger brother
the music he listens to
hearing the music he listens to through my thin wall
being alone
feeling trapped
peer pressure
certain things that are white (doctor's lab coats, sterile white walls)
needles
people who talk to me as i am trying to read something
being woken up by someone else
annoying people who say they're your friend but turn and stab you in the back in the long run.

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now.	× I don't watch much TV these days.	× I own lots of books.
× I wear glasses or contact lenses.	× I love to play video games.	× I've tried marijuana.
× I've watched porn movies.	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
✓ I curse sometimes.	× I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

( it goes on... )

there are things you should keep to yourself and keep only as personal stuff. How do you know what to keep personal though? not everyone knows what should be personal and what they should tell someone else. here is something personal about me. I am able to give people advice weither it be good or bad. The thing is, is i may be able to give advice I just cant take it when it's given to me.

my computer a few days ago wouldnt let me on the internet. well i fixed that and with out any help from anybody else. ha! i am smarter than people think i am. oh well they dont have to know that though.

my life recently has just been nothing but craziness. i have only 4 to 5 school days before macbeth ( fall school play) premieres in our school's auditorium and nothing is remotely ready. nothing including the costumes.